Today is the first day of remote learning for my fifth grader, aka “Kid 3.” But, Kid 3 (and her older sister, Kid 2 (24) have run low fevers since the 4th of March, so I have been effectively quarantined for a long time. Kid 2 is on medication for psoriatic arthritis, and is immune-suppressed. Side note: She called the nurse hotline because she had all the symptoms of Covid-19 and they told her to come in to the office and get tested. When she arrived they had no tests and their only advice was her was to rest and go to the ER if she got “worse.” I insisted that she and her 4 month old Sheltypoo come stay with us so I could keep an eye on her health and Ripley (the pup) could run with her pack (my two dogs, Juno (mini doodle) and Gunny (Pit/Boxer/Shepard/Collie/Beagle).
Did Kid 2 have Covid-19? Probably. We all probably did. I kept Kid 3 home from school, but my husband kept going to work and stayed away from our sick girls as much as possible.
So now we’re here.Kid 3 doing her remote private schooling, Kid 2 returned to her own apartment with her puppy, and Kid 1, who is 28, is working from his home in Brooklyn, NY. My husband keeps going to work, and I, well I am going crazy.
At first it was sort of exciting/fun/dramatic, like getting snowed in. But we’re not just talking about inconvenience and messy roads now, are we? Now it’s death, and recession, and who knows when or if the world will get back to normal.
So my anxiety is high. SO HIGH. My dreams are back-to-back high stress epics in which things are lost, and I don’t know where I am, and where’s the dog, and why am I wearing this, and who forgot to lock the door to keep the bad guys out, and oh, there’s my dad, come back to life and disappointed in me. I’m exhausted when I wake up, and I stay up too late trying to avoid the cavalcade of anxiety dramas.
My therapist gave me an exercise to do before bed and I share it now with you:Visualize, one by one, the locked doors and windows of your home, each person and pet sleeping soundly and peacefully. Then zoom out and observe the quiet neighborhood. Imagine a light surrounding your home and everyone in it. Cast this protection spell, tell yourself “You’re safe. It’s okay to sleep.”
I sent my doctor a message about upping my dose of anxiety meds. I really wanted to ask for Xanax, but was too afraid she’d think I was a drug addict or something. She’ll probably see the message in June or so.
We have plenty of supplies, and are comfortable financially. I’m doing what I can to support local businesses and charities. I know I should be getting outside more, but the anxiety has wreaked havoc with my tummy.
Maybe things will calm down when the news stops coming. Every day it’s wham, wham, WHAM with the bad news. I’ve suggested that my son come home before they close the airports.
I miss my dad so much. I’m grateful that he’s not here to get Covid-19, but he was my go-to when I got scared, and right now I’m very scared.
I’m also very very starved for space and solitude. Maybe that’s why I stay up so late? I think I’m going to start a family project: Do Not Disturb signs for each family member. Everyone is entitled to some privacy, yes?