Blogging the Opening Ceremonies

Okay, I’ve been up for 26 hours and haven’t eaten in ages, so I don’t know if this makes sense or will be funny to you, but *I* am still lmao. Here’s a transcription of the notes I took tonight in Monza, expletives semi-deleted.
Begin transmission:
Band. Dude looks like Frank Zappa. Does that chick JUST play tamborine? I could be in a band if that’s all I have to do.
Parade of Nations. USA: TTR chompr holds the sign, DOAMaster holds the flag. They have to put the flags in flag holders up on stage. Reporter in press booth: "Someone drop it. Come on." Team Ireland are wearing giant foam leprechaun hats.
Ah, subtitles in Italian. fabulous.
Mayor of Monza. Looks alarmingly like the leader of that Heaven’s Gate cult. Don’t put on your Nikes, don’t drink the koolaid! Has this dude even played a video game? Does he know what a computer is?
Chick in Daisy Dukes gets out of red Ferarri with the Cup. Kisses f**ing mascot…who can’t climb the stairs to stage because its feet are too big! Please, please fall down and bounce. I’m going to pee my pants.
FIFA dude? Raise your right hands for the Gamer Oath. Host dude is like an Italian Russell Crowe–but not hot. FIFA dude kicks his ass on 360. Dude with glasses also gets ass kicked.
I see costumed freaks fixin to take the stage. Me scared.
Glasses dude raps? in Italian? wtf?.
I see DOA cosplay peeps practicing their moves.
There’s that dreadful theme song again. Can we please get a new one for Seattle? Maybe something grungy and depressing.
Formula 1 race car speeds underneath the stage as fireworks go off
Ryu Hayabasa dude is twirling a fire baton.
Smoke on stage. Here comes something FREAKY. Some kinda wizard and fire twirling ninja. Russell Crowe gets scared. The wizards says some crap and fire explodes.
Another car. Gull wing opens. Daisy Duke yells some sh*t. DOA chicks come out from under the stage. More ninjas appear on the stage.
Apparently the wizard is after the Cup. This is like one of those sh*tty Oscar best song things. Except STUPIDER.
Okay now a blue bird and a whack ninja are bouncing.
As Dorothy Parker used to say "What fresh hell is this?"
Oh a scary lady. Now the Italian flag skanks are back. And they are doing some skank dance.
Then some chick grabs the Cup and starts singing. Oh f*ck, they’re singing "Beyond the Game"
end transmission


  1. heh heh heh…. just remember your mantra. . .   "I Love my job…. I love my job"   As you are repeating this. . .   smile. . .  for some reason the two put together freaks everyone around you out and they tend to remember that they need to be somewhere else. . .  it helps if you can envision pandemonium. . .  for example – from the above transcript:  Suddenly the band starts singing lets make the water turn black as the tamborine girl fall from the stage knocking over the mascot whose feet suddenly catch fire from the wizard, ninja, whatever else is throwing fire.  The ninja trips over the flags knocking them all over and knocking over the solid skank dancers.  Russell Crowe decides he’s had enough and steals the car and careens into the wall in his escape effort.   :p

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