[Begin hateful, bitchy, but sincere post]
These topics are not interesting for the people who interact and/or follow you in the social media universe. And I’m doubly certain they are even less interesting in person. People bring up the “I’m pooping” tweet as an example of oversharing. But I’d rather you tumblr your dumps than the following subjects:
You're the only one that cares this much.
Your Illness
I’m sorry you don’t feel well, really. But Jesus Christ on a Cracker, I don’t want to hear hourly updates on your headaches, your backaches, your mysterious emissions and the relative viscosity of your mucus. Examples:
“Woke up with a headache. Again. Sigh.”
“Another night of no sleep. How will I get through the day?”
“Ugh, feeling like shit. This flu is a killer.”
I also don’t want to hear about: vomit, ladybits, scrotal issues or the strange rash you found blooming on your ass. Don’t be a goddamn whiner.
Exceptions to the Rule:
- Battle with cancer or other life-threatening serious illness.
- Pregnancy. Yes, I do want details of every doctor’s appointment and photos of every ultrasound. Just please take it easy if you’ve got morning sickness… (see ‘vomit’ notation above)
Your Diet and Workout
Good for you for getting healthy! Now shut the fuck up. I get that you think that your adoring fans and supporters will ‘hold you accountable’ if you make your progress public, but they won’t. Because if you fall off the wagon and injest an entire Cheeseriffic Pizza a) you’re not going to put that in your Facebook status and b) even if you did no one is going to say ‘way to go, fatass!’
Your diet and excercise is your business. This also applies to you folks with ‘special needs’ aka vegans and glutenhaters and whatever else. No one gives a shit. If you think people care that you’re down 1 pound since last month you are a narcissistic fuck.
Exceptions to the Rule:
- You lose a shit-ton of weight. Great! Well done! Just include us on the triumphant END of the journey, not every ounce on the way.
- You’re training for a marathon. Go ahead and post how far you ran and in what time. It’s okay
- You’re re-learning how to walk due to a horrific injury. Hey, knock yourself out.
Your Bad Relationship
It could be your significant other, or it could be your family. Don’t post your dirty laundry. Your pathetic updates and vague tweets are not charming. They are obnoxious and they will drive away not only the person you are trying to oh-so-subtly give a message to, but anyone else who might otherwise have wanted anything to do with the contents of your pants. Emo is the anti-sexy.
Exceptions to the Rule:
None.
Trixieland 
But Trixie…. I am having such a bad day today. I feel so sick ( I may vomit). The issue is my darn ex-girlfriend. See, I found out that she liked another guy……WHILE WE WERE DATING. I got so depressed when I heard this news, I ate a whole large spinach and pine nut pizza. I am glad she left me though, she always wanted steak (how gross). I then got so depressed, that I ate like a pig, I went to the gym to burn off those calories. I mean seriously, how will I get her back if I become a fatty?
*heavy sigh* 😉
Shit now I feel quilty for posting about going back to the gym. I’m not getting ready for a marathon but I am getting ready for a 5k with some serious wagers against Will that are keeping me motivated. Actually I’m not a fan of a lot of the same things popping up on my feed but this Nike running app plays a cheer whenever someone on likes your status update. It’s kinda of awesome while running to randomly hear that, especially when my fat ass is thinking of quitting.
Dude, you were not at all who I had in mind with this. The offenders have been dealt with. And there is a specific waiver for the running app thingies. 🙂 I admire your 5k plan. I might be able to run 5 yards… if chasing the icecream truck.
Psshh. You’d throw down the tire strips to blow out the ice cream trucks’ tires. We know you are sneaky like that. 🙂
I forgot about the fact that you gave the option to not see notifications on fb for certain apps. That makes me feel a bit better about using it all the time. Will and I made a deal where if I run the race and have a better time I get to shave whatever I want into his head and he has to wear it for a week. He wins I have to wear a bedazzled shirt that says “raczilla’s bitch”. I am not going to lose.
well put. I’d add to that last one the super good relationships. No one wants to hear I have the best S.O. ever, my adoring, super sweet hubby/wife brought me x, took care of this. Shut the fuck up and go fuck the person who cares about that feedback and spare the rest of us.
Ha. You said “fuck” a lot. Also, hearty agreement.
Vomit, farts and shit are out? What’s left, really? Poor AnalMilk. He wouldn’t even be able to show his face.
I didn’t say anything about farts and shit. Them there are funny.
Ok I was gonna be all mad at you for the sick thing but then you included pregnancy as an exception so we’re cool now.
Also, I love that there are no exceptions to the bad relationship one. IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO STAY IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP FINE BUT I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT IT.
Whew that felt good.