Spring: A cautionary tale
I broached this subject last year, but as the weather warms and the layers of clothes come off, I’d like to point out a couple of things.
Tan Camo: Girls, if you are packing an extra 15 or 20 pounds you can tan until you’ve got melanoma, bleach your teeth and hair until they glow in the dark, and squeeze your butt into miniscule scraps of fabric, but NO ONE is going to mistake you for Paris Hilton. Give it up. Buy a gym membership instead.
Man feet: Boys, unless you have had an adult human female say to you "wow, your feet really aren’t that gross!" keep ’em covered up okay? The sight of your yellow toenails, calloused heels and hobbit tufts is enough to kill the libido of the most determined nymphomaniac. And for the love of Jimmy and Manolo, don’t cover the offending items with tube socks and then put sandals on over them. That makes us want to slap you. Wear proper shoes. Big boy shoes. Come on now.
Hats: Unless you are either a professional baseball player or working in the yard, if you are over the age of 25 do not wear baseball hats. You look like a slovenly child. And for you thinning and balding types–you’re not fooling anyone. It’s false advertising. How do YOU feel when you think you’re getting a set of C’s, but once the Wonderbra’s on the floor you find yourself with a pair of A’s? You feel gypped, right? Just don’t do it.
Denim shorts: Do I really have to say this again, lads? Under NO circumstances should you EVER wear denim shorts. They make you…how can I put this delicately? A complete tool. Absolutely un-doable. Is that clear?
Thank you. Happy spring. Please proceed with caution.