words about words

I broached this subject last year, but as the weather warms and the layers of clothes come off, I’d like to point out a couple of things.
Tan Camo: Girls, if you are packing an extra 15 or 20 pounds you can tan until you’ve got melanoma, bleach your teeth and hair until they glow in the dark, and squeeze your butt into miniscule scraps of fabric, but NO ONE is going to mistake you for Paris Hilton. Give it up. Buy a gym membership instead.
Man feet: Boys, unless you have had an adult human female say to you "wow, your feet really aren’t that gross!" keep ’em covered up okay? The sight of your yellow toenails, calloused heels and hobbit tufts is enough to kill the libido of the most determined nymphomaniac. And for the love of Jimmy and Manolo, don’t cover the offending items with tube socks and then put sandals on over them. That makes us want to slap you. Wear proper shoes. Big boy shoes. Come on now.
Hats: Unless you are either a professional baseball player or working in the yard, if you are over the age of 25 do not wear baseball hats. You look like a slovenly child. And for you thinning and balding types–you’re not fooling anyone. It’s false advertising. How do YOU feel when you think you’re getting a set of C’s, but once the Wonderbra’s on the floor you find yourself with a pair of A’s? You feel gypped, right? Just don’t do it.
Denim shorts: Do I really have to say this again, lads? Under NO circumstances should you EVER wear denim shorts. They make you…how can I put this delicately? A complete tool. Absolutely un-doable. Is that clear?
Thank you. Happy spring. Please proceed with caution.

21 thoughts on “Spring: A cautionary tale

  1. Chris Stone -- Eugene, OR says:

    Tan Camo: I don’t know anything about women, so you can say what you will here.

    Man Feet: Why don’t you just come out and say men are gross, oh wait, that’s what you just did.

    Hats: LOL, I’ll wear what I damn please on my head. Why does that bother you? (as an aside, it isn’t very nice to ‘pile-on’ men who are losing their hair. Talk about a lose-lose situation. HAHAHA if you lost your hair, right?

    Denim Shorts: OK, OK, agreed.

    I would love to get the chance to pick your appearance apart sometime — sound fun? No? Well, then maybe you’ll be more discreet with your own fasion facism.

  2. Mattias says:

    Ouch! "Someone" must have felt this was post was about him 😉 It’s like when I posted on my blog about what we in sweden call "pilot glasses", which you can see in this photo:
    In the above photo, the "pilot glasses" are cool on that dude. But when "pilot glasses" aren’t used in that cool fashion, and couple that with the worst hair due a man can have, i.e the mullet

    …then it’s not a pretty sight. Someone reading my blog felt I wrote about him and took it personally. Man! Some people! 😛

  3. Mike says:

    I’ve gotta disagree on the hats–for not really a "style" reason but comfort.  Some of us, namely me, are light sensitiive and while driving especially the most sun you can get out of your face the better.  Nothing worse than careening down I5 with your eyes tearing up due to the sun.

  4. Nicholas says:

    not hats if over 25 huh?  you want me to break the news to godfree?

  5. Chris says:

    Cmon you have to wear a hat playing golf.  It keeps the sun out of your eyes.  Every golfer wears a hat for a reason watch the Masters this weekend.  Tiger, Phil, and VJ all wear hats while playing.

  6. Eric says:

    I’ve got nice looking feet.. well groomed and no ill marks. I love being able to violate at least one of Trixie’s rules. 😉

  7. Randy says:

    I said it last year, so I’ll say it again, especially on trying to get my denim shorts off my body: I will not comply.

  8. Christa says:

    whatever you say Randy. And you’re probably right. Keep wearing those denim shorts and you won’t have any reason to take them off 😉

  9. joelle says:

    Excuse me, but as a Wonderbra wearing (actually, I wear a classier and much more expensive and real-looking version of the Wonderbra) A cup, I take offense! And bald men are sexy! Dresses are cut for boobs! What am I supposed to do, go around like Gwyenth in her ill-fitting Ralph Lauren?
    She’s right about the hats, the demin shorts (sad she had to say that twice!) and for god’s sake, the sandals w/the socks.

  10. PMS Fedaykin says:

    Hahahahaha, pwned.

  11. Joe says:

    What is worse, the tailored demin shorts or the cut-off ones with the frayed edges? I think they are both hella gay.

  12. Christa says:

    My dear noname, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with balding guys or A cups. I think a receding hairline is cute; you love baldies (remember that time I had to pull you off a baldie in Ballard?!) There are tons of men that think more than a handful is a waste. I’m just saying that you won’t find those men if you’re running the wonderbra con game. Just as guys who cover their bald spot with a hat are less likely to catch your eye. Know what I’m saying?

  13. Nicholas says:

    Allow me to be silly and childish for a moment.  Boobs are boobs
    and I like ’em a lot.  Whether they’re big or small they’re still
    boobs and that’s what matters.  I go for women that are almost
    perfectly flat and women who are spilling out of every low cut top they
    wear.  I don’t even care if you wear a wonderbra, cuz once it
    comes off I know I’ll find boobs, and that’s enough for me.

  14. Randy says:

    Oh, just you wait til the next time I see you on campus! *g*
    Just for that I shouldn’t share a link from Luxist now. 😛

  15. Christa says:

    Oooh, Randy, that’s a goooooood link. If you crossed those Christian Louboutin’s with those Miu Miu’s you’d get the shoes I’m wearing right now!

  16. Randy says:

    Ah, always the vision of style!
    And me, wearing a pair of jean shorts – in an all hands meeting – and feeling rather comfortable 🙂

  17. Randy says:

    OH.  I forgot to mention that I’ll be lurking around one of your buildings tomorrow so be glad the pee ‘n’ poo aren’t in yet 😉

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