I have been watching cartoons for a very very long time. I will not disclose how long. Here are some notable characters I have known.
Dreamiest – age five: Marine Boy. I have no idea what the appeal was, but remember sitting in a beanbag chair, watching, and saying under my breath “I love him.” I’d like to think it was foreshadowing my much later marriage to a Marine.
Dreamiest – age 20: Prince Eric. Broad shoulders, dark hair and crown jewels. What’s not to like?
Chick I secretly wanted to be: Shelly from Jabber Jaw. (Interchangeable with Alexandra from Josie and the Pussycats and Veronica Lodge). Hot rich bitch.
Creepy Unexplainable Attraction Number 1: Captain Hook. He’s not good-looking. He’s a dick. What’s the appeal? I guess he’s a classy sort of dick, and can be charming at times –remember how he sweet-talked Tinkerbell into giving up the Lost Boy’s secret hideout?
Creepy Unexplainable Attraction Number 2: Sugar Bear. From Super Sugar Crisp cereal. Was it the turtleneck? The smooth Bing Crosby voice? Dude, I don’t know. I just know I wanted to get on it.
Underrated Heroes: Secret Squirrel and Touche Turtle.
Most annoying character number one: Snarf from Thundercats. My family and Xbox coworkers knew that all you had to do to enrage me was make the “Snarf!” sound.
Most annoying character number two: Tweety Bird. With his baby talk, giant head, and “I didn’t do anything to goad Sylvester into attacking me, Granny” shenanigans, this little pissant angered me on a regular basis. I will punch anyone with a Tweety tattoo.
Most annoying character OF ALL TIME: Scrappy Doo. Is there anything more infuriating than this smug little fucker? Puppy Power indeed. The power to make me want to shoot my television.