Children’s Shows That Should Die in a Fire


Children love this big purple dude inexplicably. Until they get to Kindergarten. Then they come home from school and solemnly announce that “Barney sucks.” No shit.

Not only is Barney a prancing dimwit, but the child actors are bottom of the barrel in looks and talent. I have personally endured more than my share of Barney over the last two decades. I deserve a Purple Heart for having my sanity continuously fragged by idiocy.

Sometime between Kid 2 and Kid 3 Barney got a new voice, his treehouse lair was replaced with a caboose, and someone new joined the family of dinosaurs: an orange turd named Riff. Riff is so obnoxious he makes BJ and Baby Bop look like a think tank. And really? BJ? Did they name him that to give the parents a giggle, or are the producers clueless? Baby Bop and BJ sound like the itinerary for a nooner.

Wonder Pets

Just fucking creepy. The reanimated corpses of a duckling, a hamster and a guinea pig sing and do stuff. The duck has a speech impediment. Heartwarming? Maybe if you’re into taxidermy.


A bald kid is a whiney bitch and his mother fails to beat him. So he has cancer (that’s why he’s Charlie Brown bald, yes?), are manners verboten in the oncology wing?

Max and Ruby

Poorly-drawn and apparently orphaned rabbits chill in the backyard. Ruby can’t have any fun because she always has to watch her little brother.

What is the name of the show with the dude from Dee-Lite, a studded dildo, a dewdrop and a robotic weird thing? I hate it.

I think these shows are made by people that hate children and want to prevent people from having any more of them,


  1. Yeah, the UK is definitely leaps and bounds ahead of US Children’s TV. With gems like Teletubbies, Boohbah, Button Moon, Trap Door and so on. HAHA Trap Door was awesome. There was a little blob of clay that would zoom around making fart noises.

    And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.

  2. Thank you for saying this as I have wanted to assassinate Barney even before I had kids. What a big purple fag!

    I also want to add “Oswald” to that list. He too is creepy and his pal Henry the penguin is just an asshole! I’d like to kick that little bastard like a black and white soccer ball.

    Yo Gabba Gabba is the show you mentioned earlier but didn’t name. Give the songwriters for that show a frakin Grammy will you.

    I want to top it off with with Moose E Moose on Noggin/ Nick Jr or whatever the hell they call it now. He’s a homo. This brings me to my final comment. Why are there so many Homo’s in children’s entertainment? No, I’m not a homophobe but why can’t the kids have a man role model. As a kid, I at LEAST had Captain Kangaroo and as he may have been a bit strange, he didn’t set my Gadar off. Dee-Lite on the other hand is the human torch(flame on) and he knows darn well he has a dancing dildo for a prop.

    Children’s entertainment today is an attempt at population control. Yup, the governments on “area 51” fag factory. Love your post as always!

  3. I would like to nominate The Wiggles. If there was a show that made me despise my son being 2-3 years old, it was The Wiggles. Having to listen to such singing gems like, “Fruit Salad”, “Playing Guitar with Murray” and “Dorothy the Dinosaur”, it was pure, unadulterated torture. The best day of my life, next to my wedding and my son being born was the day he grew out of The Wiggles, and I was able to dismember his Wiggles dolls. Oh the joy!

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