I think we all have come to terms with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and its inherent troubles. If you’re late to the party, let me summarize: Rudolph’s own parents are ashamed of him, Santa is a grouchy dick, Hermy is a fucking creep. Also, do you actually think the other reindeer kids LIKED the reviled and bullied Rudy when Santa singled him out and let him lead the team? Do you like the no-talent fucksticks that get promoted right into the executive suite?
Rudy aside, I’ve got some questions about other beloved holiday classics. Let’s start with Frosty.
Frosty the Snowman
- Why are kids in school on Christmas Eve?
- Don’t Karen’s parents start to worry when she doesn’t come home after school? Didn’t they teach her not to go off with strangers?
- Why did only Karen get to participate in this hat-heist? What about the little kid that wanted to name the snowman “Oatmeal”?
- Why is a bunny the moral center of this tale?
- How is it okay that a little girl has to WATCH FROSTY DIE? The first time I saw that puddle in the greenhouse I nearly made my own puddle.
- Why does Santa drop Karen off on her roof? How the fuck is she supposed to get down to her panicked parents and a cadre of the local cops?
- Why a broom? Like, what does that have to do with anything? I could see maybe a snow shovel…? Considering he’s being pursued by a murderous magician, perhaps Frosty would have been better off with a shotgun.
Miracle on 34th Street
- Doris the mom doesn’t want to lie to her daughter, but she’s okay with letting the weird single childless man next door babysit her?
- Why does Fred have twin beds in his apartment?
- While the kindly Kris is locked up, who’s running shit at the North Pole?
- Why is alcoholism so hilarious? First the parade Santa is schnockered, then the lawyer gets his wife shitfaced to agree to something.
- The cane at the end. I get that it’s so that we know Kris was there. But, doesn’t he need it? Was he pretending to need it? Or is it leaning there because he’s DEAD, like with Tiny Tim’s crutch in A Christmas Carol?
The Santa Clause
- Why do small boys in movies have that wretched bowl cut? Do you know grown men with a bowl cut? No! You don’t, because they become mass shooters/serial killers. It’s like they all go to the same incel alt-right barber.
- Why does Scott have such a big house for a single guy? I get he has the kid on weekends or whatever, but that’s a lot of house.
- Why is Bernard? Why the hair? Why is he the only adult at the North Pole? Why is he such a snarky ass?
- Do none of these elves give a shit about the Santa that fell off the roof? Like, a moment of silence perhaps? Nope, it’s business as usual. Not one elven tear was shed for that poor sucker.
- Why is fat shaming sooooooo hilarious? It’s not.
- Why do they make Neil such a shit? He’s not a villain, he obviously cares about the kid, and he raises some legitimate concerns. It seems like this falls under our great American tradition of equating intelligence with weakness.
- As a child I had Christmas dinner at Denny’s once and that depiction was spot-on. Some other 1970s child of divorce must have been responsible for this scene.
- Do we really have to keep depicting fathers as hilariously inept at cooking? Would a man who couldn’t cook even attempt to cook a turkey? And who was going to eat that huge-ass turkey?
- Do you think the kid will grow up to throw Scott off a roof so he can become Santa? He should watch his back.